Sunday, November 15, 2015

Before You Talk Sh*t About The Ewoks Again.....

Remember that they’d eat your face. 

I could probably end there. But I won't. Aren't you glad?

I’m pretty tired of hearing that Jedi was this shit movie in the wake of A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back. Let’s let bygones be bygones and agree to disagree that it’s solid. At the minimum it’s an excellent finale. 

Before we get off topic and venture down the rabbit hole of whether it’s a good movie, let’s just quickly agree that the Ewoks are not the problem with this movie. 
I know, I know, most people dislike it because the holy trilogy went “cute and cuddly.” 
Let's take some time to think about these "cute and cuddly" Ewoks.
Leia runs into one. Wicket. He wasn’t playing. He threatens her with a spear and then Leia gains his trust. Then he ducks out because his spider sense was tingling (or Wicket is a Jedi on the low) and then whacks the storm trooper in the foot with his spear so Leia can knock him out and blast his partner. 

That’s the first interaction.  The first one. 

Also note that Wicket manages to get what appears to be a saltine cracker out of the deal. (You sure that’s not a ritz?) To sum up: Wicket gets a cracker, helps vanquish a couple of elite storm troopers and then grabs Leia's hand and takes her back to the trees like a G. (G-Wok?)

Fast forward past trapping Han and company, past carrying Threepio to the tree village and to the “celebration” that’s about to take place in Threepio’s honor. 
You already know, but let me remind you that these “cute and cuddly” Ewoks were GOING TO EAT EVERYONE. 
They weren’t even tripping that Artoo was a robot! 
“Mmmm, those astromech droids are a bit dry, where's the hot sauce?”

Fast forward past Luke’s little con and convincing them little warriors to fight the Empire. 
These 3 foot tall mini bears take on the Imperial storm troopers and AT-ST’s with stick, stones, catapults and some shitty hangliders. 
They’re not on some “oh shit, what are we doing?” tip. They go all in, balls out with some sticks and rocks.

Tell me how this isn’t badass. 

Oh. They also use the storm trooper helmets for drums. Are the heads still in there? Maybe. 
Considering the track record, they probably ate them. 

So before you go in on those "cute and cuddly" Ewoks, check yourself, before you wreck yourself, cuz Ewok spears are bad for your health. 

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